I’ve been to counseling for about a month for my anorexia/binge eating tendencies. It has not been an easy path for me, to say the least. However, I am starting to notice significant changes mentally and emotionally towards my relationship with food.

As general rules, I’ve been “prescribed” by my counselor to eat more (1800 calories/day), exercise less (45 minutes or less), and not weigh myself on the scale until I head back to college in the fall. This is all suppose to help me regulate my metabolism and keep me from depriving my body of nutrients.

During my anorexic stage, I never consumed more than 1200-1400 calories per day…sometimes as low as 1000. So, eating the extra calories has not been exciting. Sometimes, I can’t help but picture myself gaining pounds by the bite. Over the past couple weeks, though, I’ve felt like I can eat a wider assortment of food without deep shame. So far, this summer has brought a number of special occasions where food was present (Who could have guessed?). However, intend of telling myself “NO” to these once-forbidden foods,  I’ve learned to treat myself to small portions. By putting this concept into practice, I don’t feel the urge to eat the whole bowl of chips or the entire plate of cookies. This is definitely progress! 🙂

I was also told to exercise for no more than 45 minutes per day. Before that, I thought I could trick the “1800-calorie ” plan by burning off 800-1000 calories per day via the treadmill and workout DVDs. However, my counselor told me that this is counterproductive since overexercising is like another method of “purging” for a bulimic.

Not being able to weigh myself felt horrific for the first couple days. All I dreamed about doing over this summer was to lose weight and get back into shape. Now, my progress must be judged by how my clothes fit, which is far less satisfying when I could be seeing immediate changes from the scale. My counselor will weigh me weekly, so maybe I can convince her to let me sneak a peek. We’ll see how this goes.

Not having full control of the choices I make for my body is one of the most frustrating feelings. Breaking my binge requires intervention from another person since my original efforts to end it were useless. But, I know that good must come from this eventually…even if I’m in denial now.

The main problem I’m dealing with now is body image. I can’t stop replaying the progression from being fit to too thin to overweight. Now, I’m afraid I’ll never be a healthy, HAPPY, and confident weight again. I am extremely uncomfortable having full-length pictures taken, trying on clothes, or being around people I know. Even looking at myself in the mirror has made me feel miserable. This will be my next topic of conversation with my counselor when I meet with her next.

This is the only picture that has made me feel “pretty” in a long time. I’ve learned that good health isn’t just physical. It’s  mental and emotional. Once I’m in a solid state of mind and spirit, I can channel that positivity to a greater appreciation of my body and treat it wholesomely. I will continue to update!

June 21, 2015: Me and my lovely dad on Father’s Day.